I missed our coffee date last month, shame on me, but life hasn't been that motivating. I know we all go through those rough patches in life and Febuary was defintely one of those patches for me. I wanted February to be all about self-love, and taking care of myself while sharing that knowledge with all of you. The problem behind that idea was that I wasn't in love with myself. I just couldn't muster up what I thought I should be sharing. The hardest part about planning content ahead of time for me is that real life gets in the way sometimes. Well honestly all the time. How could I write all these great post about self-love when in fact I didn't love myself at the moment. I would be a fake, a fraud, and I'm not that, and I wasn't about to start.
This month hasn't been much better either and when I started to cry myself to sleep basically every night the first 2 weeks of this month I finally had to kick myself in the ass. Last week I asked myself this; "What is going to change and how the hell are you going to do it!?" Those who know me look at me as this strong, passionate, and driven young woman who has it all figured out (in most parts). But for a while now I haven't looked at myself in the way others have. I have only seen a scared and timid young girl who can't find her way out of the dark. I finally had to ask myself, what I was going to do to pull this all back around to the place I wanted to be. What did I come up with?
I came up with the fact that I need to start letting go of the "what if's" and "if only's". All the times where I am figuring out what my life is going to look like, or what I have to do to help this person or that person. I can get so wrapped up into something, someone, and everything I'm involved in that I won't or even don't know how to separate myself from it all. It all becomes my problems, my responsibility to fix or save, and be there for everyone but myself. Maybe this is the mother in me, or maybe it's that little five year old girl sleeping in the homeless shelter that doesn't want anyone else to go through shit alone. So I sat myself down and said, "you need to STOP with everyone else, and be about you again." I naturally have to detach myself from everyone else and explore without limitations to really be able to plug back into my soul. So I did just that.
I booked myself a little cottage in Calistoga and dug into myself for the first time in months. I drove about 2 hours blasting music in the car, and finally just enjoying it all. I cooked dinner while dancing in the kitchen, and watched TV without my phone attached to my hand. I poured two big glasses of wine and then found myself drawing up a bath. I haven't taken a true relaxation bath in ages and OMG I have no clue why. Dimmed lights, a warm bath, and no thoughts running through my head is the best feeling ever. I woke up at 7:30am for the first time without an alarm and actually felt rested. Yoga and mediation found their way back into my morning routine while the sun rays filled the cottage, and then I went to work on me. Podcasts, a webinar, my bible, and #GIRLBOSS filled my day. I was going to go out and explore the wineries but the weather didn't permit such activities. For the first time in forever I felt like Nikki, free and wild. My alter ego feeds my personality so much it sometimes seems like a might be my own twin (haha Gemini reference).
So yes, I became selfish and finally did something for me and it felt great. I can honestly say that I'm a little better. I feel a little more at peace, and a little more motivated to live life. You read that right I only said a little better; this self-love journey isn't a weekend fix. I've started to walk down the path I want to be on, and I want to continue to walk down it. I want to start taking more chances, make more time for myself, and fully invest in what my heart is yearning for. I have a big heart and it extends to all my loved ones, family and friends, but I yearn for so much and never take the chances on my own life that I know will pay off in the future.
If you get anything from this month's coffee date, I want you to get that living life is hard, I get it, but you need to remember that loving yourself is the ultimate life choice you need to hold dear to your heart. Don't allow yourself to ever stop being selfish and neglecting that inner voice screaming for more. We all love those around us, but we can't love them to the fullest or give them what they might need if we don't give to ourselves first. Stay strong in whatever you're currently doing because it will all come to fruition before you know it. If you have faith and believe in a higher power, make sure to give yourself up to that. Having trust in God is what is slowly helping me grasp that I'm not fully alone in this journey. So have faith and trust that everything is going to be okay.
What have you been struggling with lately and what makes you feel more like yourself again?