New Year, New You

I've spent one month in 2017 already and I can honestly tell you I feel like a new person. Yes, I get it, we all swear that in a new year we will be different, that change will come, and we will be living in this ulterior reality. As I fell asleep before 12am on New Years Eve, I thought about my year in an entirety. 2016 was spectacular. I was in the first year of my sponsorship with Oiselle, I qualified for the Olympic Trials after going after it for 8 years, I witnessed my older brother join in holy matrimony, and the list goes on. Even with all the good I experienced in 2016, I wasn't happy with it. Something needed to change, or something just felt like it was missing, and I just couldn't put my thumb on it yet. 

In the first couple days of this month it hit me, and it hit me like a tone of BRICKS. Even though, I was this "happy", highly motivated, loved woman on the outside, I was crying on the inside. I was constantly fighting myself. Was I really happy, "Yes of course you're happy." "I'm loved right? Duh you are!" These moments of struggle were far more frequent then they had ever been in my life. I'm always one to force people to explore what they are feeling, to step outside of themselves and give a good look at how they are experiencing life. I wasn't doing that with myself though and my life was in a stagnant ditch, a ditch that seemed more like a grave. I had confined myself to this cycle of self-doubt, and it just wasn't healthy; IT ISN'T HEALTHY. It took sign after sign for me to finally say, "Okay Lord, I give in."

I'm not a super religious person, but I have faith. I had fallen off the wagon completely and didn't even acknowledge that the Lord was there to help me. In previous years, He was there, He helped me see, get through what I thought I couldn't, and I knew it. 2016 was a year without Him. I vowed that if He kept sending me signs of reconnection I was going to give in, go back to what I knew, and stop fighting this struggle of "I'm alone."

 
Sometimes we wander aimlessly in a wilderness of our own making. And sometimes we must try-and fail-many times before we discover our life’s work.
— 365 Devotions to Inspire Your Day
 

As I sit here on January, 27th 2017 I feel more of myself again. I'm not perfect, I'm not fully reconnected, and I for sure haven't even made gains in my relationship with the Lord, but I have acknowledged He's here with me. I know this post isn't for everyone and it's not going to touch everyone the same, but what I do know is that almost EVERYONE is in a state of finding themselves. Either that be through faith, love, or other forms, we're all looking for a deeper connection in our lives. Take life by the horns, change for the better, and keep striving for something that completes you. 

This year is for more exploration, more faith, more love, and more life. I vow to bring you all on this journey of self-exploration this year, as I grow in my faith, relationships, and love for myself. What does your "New You" vow?